Of Schoolbooks for the “Institoot”

The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich, ontil we git the Institoot built, will be the headquarters uv the Trustees, to consider the propriety uv publishin a series uv skool books, adaptid especially to the Southern intelleck, and calculated to keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths uv the late Confederacy, wich is unfortunately deceest, a lively opinion uv themselves and a corresponding hatred uv Noo England and the North generally. We hev hed serious doubts whether proper, ideas cood be instilled into a youth from a book written by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati.  

"A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army at a cost uv $1000, passing off onto him two counterfeit ten dollar notes. To make up the expenditoor, he to-wunst swindles a innocent Kentuckian out uv $100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv $200 in a Western land trade, and the balance lie makes up by sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv basswood at a profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate moral question is, how many nutmegs must this ingenius but unprincipled cuss manufaktur, and how long does it take him, with the improoved machinery, they hev to do it?  

Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples; but he kept insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire the Southern heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal funeral pile wich needid continyooal firin. Onless fired it wuz a gloomy mass uv very onsightlv black cinders. He proposed that the forthcoming book shoid be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example:--

"The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain number uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment uv Confedrit soljers druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries into the town. Allowin that each Fedral, ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many more steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chattanooga, where they wuz comparatively safe from Confedrit rage and valor, and sich, than it did the Confedrits to drive em thar?"

Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it his dooty to propose:--

"A strickly conscienshus grocery keeper starts in biznis worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. He pays for his whiskey two dollars per gallon in Looisville, and hez for a reglar customer a Postmaster, wich drinks forty or sixty times per day, and alluz tells him to 'jist chalk it down.' Required the length uv time nessary to bust him under them afflictin circumstances?" 

Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears in print, he wood be able to furnish the anser to that little problem. Considerin the example a dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to retort; but ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto Bascom's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin must be done for Bascom,--I hev lived onto him too long. The next contribushen I reseeve from frends North shel be devoted to liquidating, in part, the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by not givin him at least cost for his likker; but wat follows? There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me credit? Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them to wich we hevn't bin interdoost.  

"Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites four years for em, gittin licked like the devil, how long after is it advisable for him to continyoo to pant, pervidid he didn't know at the beginnin wat his rites wuz?  

"Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern soljers, why in bloody thunder, they hevin hed a suffishency uv opportoonities uv doin it, didn't the South gain her independence?  

"Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned cent's worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable biznis, how many struggles for independence wood a man uv modrit means be justified in goin thro with?  

"Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky kin be got from a bushel uv corn how many Democratic voters, takin young men ez they run, kin be manufaktured from the produck uv an aker uv good land in a modrit year for corn?  

"A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years ago, hed a female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, and worth only $800. Her progeny wuz only half ez black ez a crow, and her female grandchildren wuz suffishently bleached to sell in Noo Orleans for $2500 per female offspring. Required: lst. The length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt by this means. 2d. The number uv years nessary to bleach the cuss of color out uv the niggers uv the United States.  

"A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number uv deestricks by speekin in em with Seward, all uv wich gave increased majorities agin him. Required the number uv miles uv travel, and the number uv repetitions uv the speech, to enable him to carry out his policy?  

And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. We dare not publish the book without his examples, for he alluz keeps his word, and is a ugly cuss to deal with; and uv course puttin em in coodent be thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph must be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at his bar for a week, chargin the same upon the account uv the Institoot. I know that a free run at his barrels would finish me or any one uv the Board in that time. Happy Bigler! He hez at least one satisfactry week afore him,--I cood almost wish the Board wood try it on me. It wood be a short but glorious career.