Nuthin Monotonous:
A Personal Record

by Petroleum Vesuvius Nasby

Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,) 

To the Publisher; 

ENCLOSED find photograff uv myself, ez you desired. To make a strikin picter, I flung myself into the attitood, and assoomed the expreshun wich mite hev bin observed onto my classikle countenance when in the act uv deliverin my justly celebrated sermon, "The wages uv Sin is Death." 

Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by draft on Noo York, or money order, at my resk. 

I wuz born in the year 1806, at--I will not say where. I hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace. I don't want to set any town in that State up in biznis. That town hez gone loonatic, and gives Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate, and I don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel reputashen. I don't want to double the price uv its property--to be the means uv erectin a dozen, or sich a matter uv fust class hotels to accommodate the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither to visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the house in wich I first opened my eyes onto a world uv sin, is a Ablishnist of the darkest dye, and I hev no desire to enrich him. Never, by word uv mine, shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks and buzzum pins. 

My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knollege and muskrats, mostly the latter. I wuz a promisin child. My parence wuz Democrats uv the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler. She hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic with a hatred that I never saw ekalled. When I say that she woodent borrer tea and sugar and sich uv Whig nabers, the length, and breadth, and depth of her Dimocrisy will be understood. 

From sheer cussidnis I shood hev probably hev bin a Whig, hed not a insident occurred in my boyhood days, wich satisfied me that the Dimocrisy wuz my approprit and nateral abiding place. It wuz in this wise: 

In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a grosery, and appropriated, ez a jest, what loose change ther wuz in the drawer (alars I in these degenerit days uv paper currency, the enterprisin theef hez to steel at 10 per cent. discount), and sich other notions ez struck my boyish fancy. I indoost a nigger boy, sumwhat younger than myself, to aid me, and when we hed bagged the game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun hevin the proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly thro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence made law, to-wit: that the nigger hez no rites which the white man I bound to respeck, whaled him till he resined the entire proceeds uv the spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch devoid uv every principle uv honor, blowed on me, and we wuz both arrested. 

The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig! and after a hurried eggsaminashen, he sentenst ME! wun uv his own race! uv his own blood! uv his own parentige! to impriznment for THIRTY DAYS! on bred and water, and the nigger to only ten, on the ground that I wuz the cheef offender! 

My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a stremin down her venrable cheeks faster than she cood wipe em up with her gingum apern, that the arrangement mite be reverst--the nigger the 30 and I the 10--but no! Cold ez a stun, inflexible ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid, and stayed my time. 

Sullenly I emerged from them walls, on the evenin uv the 30th day, a changed indivijooel. Liftin my hands to heven, I vowd three vows, to-wit: 

1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv redoosin the Afrikin to his normal speer. 

2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn into wich I cood steel without bein hauled up fer it. 

3. That the water I hed consoomed while in doorance vile, wuz the last that wood ever find its way, undilootid, into my stumick. 

Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever eggsamines my record, will find that I hev kep my oaths! 

Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father wuz a leadin man in the humble speer in which he moved, holdin, at different times, the various offices in the town up to constable, the successive steps bein road supervisor and pound master. He wuz elected constable, and mite probably hev gone higher, but for an accident that occurred to him the first month. He collected a judgment for $18, and the money wuz paid to him. The good man wuz a talented collector, but wuz singlerly careless in payin over what he collected. Ez showin the pekoolier bent uv gennuis uv the old man, I repeet a conversashen I wunst heerd. A man who hed an account to collect, wuz consultin one who knowd my father well, ez to the safety uv puttin a claim into his hands. 

"Is he a good collector?" askt the man. 

"Splendid!" sed the naber. 

"Is he a man uv responsibility?" askt the man. 

"Sir!" sed the naber, "he hez the ability, but yoo'll find when yoo try to git yoor money out uv his hands, that he lacks the response." 

Cood ther hev bin a more tetchin triboot? 

He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His ability was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff, who didn't admire sich erratic flites, raised a ruckishen about the paltry sum, and my father 

"Folded his tent like the Arabs,  
And ez silently stole away."

 From that time out, the old gentleman migrated--in fact he lived mostly on the road. He adopted movin ez a pefeshun, and a very profitable one he made uv it. When his hoss died, the nabors, rather than not hev him move, wood chip in and raise him another. Appreshiatin the compliment they pade him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities uv my ancestor, becoz 

"The lives uv all grat ,men remind us  
We may make our lives sublime,  
And, departin, leave behind us--"

ef our talent runs in that direekshun, ez many debts ez he did, though it does require espeshel talents. 

This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind. I saw not only a great deal uv the country, but much uv mankind, and I acquired that adaptability to circumstances wich hez ever distinguished me. Even to this day, ef I can't git gin I take whiskey without a murmur and without repinin. 

My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may say, without egotism, I hev been a yooseful member uv that party. I voted for Jackson seven times, and for every succeedin Dimocratic candidate ez many times ez possible. 

My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed until I arrived at the age uv twenty-four. My father wuz intimately acquainted with me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez tho he hed bin the friend uv my buzzum. One day, ez I wuz a layin on my back under a tree, contemplatin the beauties uv nacher, my parent, sez he,-- 

"Pete" (which is short for my name), "ef yoo ever marry, marry a milliner!" 

"Why, father uv mine?" replied I, openin my eyes. 

"Becoz, my son," sed he, "she'll hev a trade wich'll support yoo, otherwise yoo'll die uv starvashen when I'm gone." 

I thot the idea wuz a good one. Thro woman a cuss come into the world, wich cuss wuz labor; and I wuz determined that ez woman hed bin the coz uv requirin somebody to sweat for the bread I eat, woman should do that sweatin for me. That nite I perposed to a milliner in the village, and she rejectid my soot. I offered myself, in rapid succeshun, to a widder, who wuz a washerwoman, and to a woman who hed boys old enuff to work, with the same result, when, feelin that suthin wuz nessary to be done to sekoor a pervision for life, I married a nigger washerwoman wich didn't feel above me. Wood you blieve it? Within an hour after the ceremony wuz pronounst, she sold her persnel property, consistin uv a washtub and board, and a assortment uv soap, and investin the proceeds in a red calico dress and a pair uv earrings, insisted on my going to work to support her! and the township authorities not only maintained her in her loonacy, but refused to extend releef to me, on the ground that I wuz able-bodied. 

Ez I left that nigger, I agin vowed to devote my life to the work of gettin uv em down to where they wood hev to support us, and that vow I hev relijusly fulfilled. I hev never felt good, ceptin when they wuz put down a peg; I hev never wept, save when they wuz bein elevated. 

The offices I hev held hev not been many. I hed signers to a petishun for a post-office in Jackson's time, but I killed my chances by presentin it in person. The old hero looked at me, and remarked that it wuzn't worth while throwin away postoffices on sich -- that when he wanted em, he cood buy em at a dollar a dozen. Bookanan wuz agoin to appoint me, but somehow my antecedents got to his ears, and he wuz afeerd uv his respecktability; and I never succeeded till Androo Johnson returned to his first love and embraced us. 

I hed bin drafted into the Federal army at the beginnin uv the war, and hed deserted to the Confederacy. Procoorin a certifikit to that effeck, I applied for a pardon and a place. He didn't like to give me the offis, but he wanted a party, and, ez his appintments everywhere show, he coodn't be very pertikeler. I succeeded! I bore with me to Kentucky a commishun ez Post Master, and I wuz livin in the full enjoyment uv that posishun, till ousted, and I may say, I wuz happy. 

The society wuz conjeuial. Ther is four groceries, onto wich I could gaze from the winder uv my offis, and jest beyond, enlivenin what wood otherwise be a dull landscape, is a distillery, from wich the smoke uv the torment ascendeth forever. I hed associates who reverenced me, and friends who loved me. There wuz nuthin monotonous there. I hev knowed ez many ez eight fites per day, though three or four is considered enuff to break the tedium. And in those deliteful pursoots, havin left behind me the ambishens uv wat mite be called public life, with my daily bread sekoored, with my other sustenance ashoored, with a frend alluz to share my bottle, or, to speek with a greater degree uv akkooracy, fren alluz willin to share ther bottles with me, I wuz glidin peacefly down the stream uv time, dodgin the troubles, and takin ez much uv the good uv life ez I could. 

The twenty-five cents menshuned in the beginnin uv my letter, you may, ez I remarked, remit either in postal order or currency. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich wuz Postmaster).

P. S.--Don't remit the twenty-five cents menshund in postage stamps. I hev enuff to last me, ez they ain't in demand here. Send it in currency. P. V. N.