"I Proved That Slavery Was Scriptooral":
Orthodoxy and Heresy

CHURCH UV THE SLAWTERD INNOCENTS 
(Lait St. Vallandigum), January the 16th, 1864.

Trouble are comin upon me thicker and faster. "Men change, but principles, never," hez bin a motto uv mine for years, and bleevin in the grate principle of the strong owning the weak -- or, in other words, slavery -- I shel never cease my efforts to make it universal. Ther bein a onreasonable prejudice in the minds uv the weak uv my congregashen aginst bein the perpetooal servance uv them as nacher hez made to rool, I called a special meetin of my flock, to consider the matter. I interdoost it thus: --
By Hager, I proved that slavery was scriptooral.
By "cussid be Kanan," et settry, I shode concloosively that the nigger wuz the identikle indivijjle who wuz to be the sed slave aforesed.
Then it wuz put to vote, and it wuz unanimusly resolvd, that Afriken slavery be interdoost amongst us. I notist, with pleasure, that the poorer the indivijjle, the more anxshus he seemed to own a nigger.
Opinions were then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who is a carpenter, and who never saved a dollar, hevin alluz hed a sick wife and a large family of children, sed he felt that a grate work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo-Saxun, whom nacher intended to rool, hed bin that nite elevatid to his normal speer . Hentlforth ther wuz no more labor for him. He hed a contrak to bild a house for brother Podhammer, and he hed no doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest with means, wood make up a puss, and enable him to buy a nigger carpenter to do his work.
Brother Podhammer arole. He, uv coarse, wood be glad to assist brother Kitt, but dooty to his own family required a diffrent line uv action. His idee wuz to purchis a nigger carpenter hisself, and --
"WHAT!" exclaimed Kitt.
Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to buy a nigger carpenter hisself, and bild his house. The cheef beauty uv the grate system, and the wun that makes it altogether luvly, is, that yoo kin BUY yoor labor.
"But," sed Kitt, "what kin I do if yoo work nigger carpenters?"
"Trooly," sez Podhammer, "I know not. A carpenter kin be purchist for $1000, the interest uv wich is $60, and his keepin, say $100 more, per annum. Now, ef Brother Kitt will cum to them wages, and be modritly umble, I mite, for his sake, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a nigger to flog, and still employ him."
"But," sez Kitt, turnin pale, "my family wood starve on them wages. Why, I mite ez well be a nigger myself."
At this pint I lifted up my voice. I exorted Brother Kitt to patience. The grate Dimekratik idee, that capital shood own labor, must be establisht. It may bare hard upon indivijjles, but wat then? John Rogers went camly to the stake for principle. Ef Brother Kitt doth not like to accept his normal condishen to-wunst, he kin go to sum less favored country, wher the grate instooshon is not establisht.
Brother Podger, a blacksmith, sed he supposed the rich uns wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrate. Brother Snipes, a plasterer, made a similar observashen. Brother Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise.
Whereupon they all, in chorus, similarly exclaimed they'd see us d--d fust, and then they woodent.
Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen establishin slavery.
Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last Sundy, and the postmaster told me that they hed sent off a club for the Anti- Slavery Standard. 
Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard road to travel I beleeve.